tiny keyboard

If I could make myself forget, through this sea of misery and self loathing, just how alone I feel most of the time - well then you might not want to ever say another word to me. The brief moments of actul and realized humanity make for an interesting little speed bump on this road to ruin. Don't kid yourself, there is no shocking sefl-discovery or triumphant actualization here; only the cold. Only the harsh and cruel moments of real life and the horror left in their wake.
So that leaves me here, cold from the sweat and the rain, with heavy breathing and an ego that's more than a little confused. I suppose it's all par for the course, but I'd totally be lying.to myself if I thought that what is will remain and what isn't won't rear it's fucking ugly head, as it has a thousand times over. So, what I really mean to say is that I'm sorry. Let me say that again: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the fact that I won't make you feel better - I'll much sooner make you feel worse. I'm sorry that the earth is round. I'm sorry that you - none of you - are at the center of this annoying little Universe and lives of all the assholes contained therein. I'm sorry for all the assholes contained therein. I'm sorry for martyr complexes and the redundancy in which they are acted upon. I'm sorry that I stopped giving a shit five minutes ago, and I'm sorry if I come across as a dick. The honest and total truth about it all is simply that the world makes zero sense at all and I feel like a fool standing here, dick in hand, hoping it may open up to me for a mere moment; to have a true communion. But you can't be close to something which tells you a new lie every second of every day. It's a foolish venture to crawl into bed with a sociopath. And it's pointless to try to change a rock into air.

Trauma.

Every time I'm on the verge of something profound, I end up throwing it all away for comfort and safety. If I could ask myself a million questions and expect honest answers I'd start with, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" regarding just about all of my life choices. I'm not trying to be negative, just honest. It's not as though some drastic thing has effected me and I stand at a crossroads trying to make the right decision and knowing all the wrong roads I've gone down. No, this is more about a challenge to myself.

Don't get pulled back down, into nothing. I stand at the edge of the Abyss and spit - waiting to see how long it takes to hear it hit the bottom. Or, that's what I tell myself. If I were to crawl out of the empty, primordial void and walk away whole then I'd be doing well. If I were to crawl out with a fierce contempt and brash will, well then I'd be doing very well. What fear strikes out is that of a battle for survival in the deep which brings me to the edge of nothing and I slip at the top. Crashing on the nothing below; black and vacant.

Fuck Art.