Welcome to the Megamachine.

The things set out to destroy me one day may come around to save me the next; this realization came to me recently. Not one of those realizations wherein you've never considered such a concept before, but the sort where an thought that you've flirted with in the past comes rushing back as a fully actualized truth. Or, maybe it just fits right now. The problem with a truth of this sort is that it may not remain true for long - or that's what perspective might teach us; this being neither here nor there.

Several years ago, I started down a path of isolation, a path forged by panic and fear. Today I know that I needed that path for a variety of reasons at that given time; but now that path exists as a lazy way of living. The goals I set out to accomplish through that time have not come to fruition fully, but other seeds were planted that are taking shape, however small they might be. I know now that the clock has run it's course. I know now that the clock is running. All this to say, when will this truth become nightmare? Eb and flow, perhaps.

Through a small amount of events, today served as a great example of a great day. Certainly not the day I wish to live over and over, but it was damn near perfect for today. But the ever-present questions remain, and the goodness of the day seems to make that much harder - at least right now. I'm struck by the image of a hunter putting blood on a knife, freezing it, and putting it out in the snow, sticking up out of the ground. The idea is to wait for a wolf to smell the blood and come lick it off; the wolf ends up cutting it's own tongue on the knife. So much blood brings the wolf to a panic level blood lust; the universal condition of pain, desire, need, and fear. If I'm the wolf, who's knife is sticking out of the snow?